difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts. Holy cow he just broke up with me 4 days prior you hope Im doing great???? If anything ever went wrong in our relationship, I would do ANYTHING to make it better. How does one get past this with any modicum of forgetting and forgiving? "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". In the speech, "A Toast to the Oldest Inhabitant: The Weather of New England", Twain uses satire to criticize poets . Ready you should be celebrating! He has shown you who he is, now act on it! Hes an ass. Hard pass! Hes not stupid, and he knows Im protecting my heart. I am extremely not saying hes a bad guy or he shoulda, woulda, coulda. Im ususally the one trying to drag things out by conveniently forgetting that he was the one who used to nearly ignore me in the hallway, not call for days and then expect a hot night of sex,only to be gone the next day and not call again. As such, you can follow your conscience and what you think is wise. Its natural to miss your ex but you have to believe you can do so much better than someone who does not want a relationship. Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. Yes. The final straw was that when I left town out of desperation to do something else,and hang out with other people I returned to find that he was crashing out on my close grilfriends bed saying that he felt his bind with me was stronger if he hung out with my close friends. I just cant and wont do things from a place of anxiety because it wreaks havoc on my nervous system. Dear Nat, thanks again for the great post! It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. He just kept saying we could get together and talk. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. . Its unfair. NC 100% is the only path I need to be on. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. What a shame! Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. YESSSSSSS!!!! Thanks for reminding us of that . And had my attempts at making everything better by telling him I forgive him or Im over what happened were ALWAYS (not once, but at least 67 times) interpreted as me wanting to get back together. Fleeing is moving rapidly in the opposite direction, not dithering about to tell someone who doesnt even care that you forgive them. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. Ive now had a couple months with the MM at work having gotten the message and having backed completely off. I dont like to be around you. I would love to deliver all his stuff to his girlfriend except I wouldnt know which girlfriend to go to.. Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. I wish I didnt have to keep the distance up, and I think if there is forgiveness that ever needed to happen, I do forgive. Until then, goodbye and goodluck. He did not reply (I wasnt expecting him to) and I havent heard from him since. For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. teachable- As you know and have counseled people for yearstheres no making sense of nonsense. Looking into the reasons why forgiving is not easy. Interesting post & timing of it. She is pathetic. The painful memories have to gradually recede on their own. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including: Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. I am genuinely sorry if I have upset you by my behaviour. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. Ive come to terms with it rather. Ironically it was me who introduced him to most of the people we know. No mother its you. No MMs is a good one but no-one who knows people I know (for instance)is too limiting. Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. %PDF-1.6 % Martinez-Diaz P, et al. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. That doesnt work, and so I was pouty. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. Teachable, I would block his email on Facebook. Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. I still think the work one is tricky but when I lived on a small island people met at work all the time, got married, had children and continued to work in the same office. While we don't often like to admit it, holding a grudge is a common way some people respond to feeling that they've been wronged. To move toward forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. Or are you really a grudge holder yourself? Stand up for what you believe in. Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. He has no remorse for screwing up his kids childhoods. He just wants us to be friends thats all. The Miracle is possible! They always tell you who they are. That worked. American Psychological Association. Click here for an email preview. . What is the difference between forgiving our enemies and forgiving unrepentant people? Same people. Wtf. I cant imagine the devastation your heart must be in right now. Designed to make you chase him for the carrot of a FWB relationship. Can You Take a Hint? My prayers for you continue. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. My family disliked him as well, the brother I am closest to disliked him instantly and the ex AC always tried to stop me seeing him because of this. I wrote that post last night in a moment of particular discomfort, and I was blown away this morning when I found your thoughtful replies. His reset button approach was oh, so, polite and made me crazy, though. After a few texts back and forth, much along the same lines as before, I realised that this time around the short and non committal texts were neither exciting nor interesting. That would be a mistake. Even if that doesnt apply to your pastor, I doubt he meant ex boyfriends. can not afford to buy the book please contact Nicholas and he will give you a free copy.) You knowbasically the opposite attitude of what Ive expressed in a lot of the comments Ive made about people whove wronged me in my past. Either way, you really dont need to know how well hes doing (it could also just be an act. document.getElementById( "ak_js_4" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); When you login first time using a Social Login button, we collect your account public profile information shared by Social Login provider, based on your privacy settings. He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. Thanks again! Do you want to learn how to love intelligently? I feel murderous rage toward my egg donor. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! When you try to set a boundary and say you wont do it, they complain youre holding a grudge. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. I sent a couple of texts telling him in effect what he did and that it was still not ok or forgotten. This is the test to see if you're really holding a grudge. I do look back and think what the hell was I thinking but I no longer beat myself up over it, it it as it is and my daughter now sees her independant mum back. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. When I heard him say that it made me really question him, also I was thinking that maybe he was saying it to brag to his friend and didnt really mean it. Block this idiot. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. Its not there. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! He knows. I certainly do have amnesia when I conveniently forget about all the hurt that he has caused me and continued to cause me before I went NC and could get a clearer perspective. Yep, if he cuts our program, I dont have to forgive him either. Please be more discriminating in the future. dont care, dont care, dont care. Knowing what sorts of things might mean that youre holding a grudge, even if you dont think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. Remorse? I have no plans 2 ever be in contact w/him and I know I have 2 let it go. You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. I followed him. He deserves a guilty conscience. So strange how these posts come out when Im in a situation where I can relate. Lizzie, sad to say, but i am anything but young, in fact I am quite old. Theres a contingency there. I dont really need my mother. Obviously, it hasnt slowed his stride as he romanced and married a blissfully ignorant woman. That lasted three months, until my Grandmother died. This of course prompts me to ask WTF and he tells me my friend and their son moved out in Sept. Or unhealthy? I like this definition of forgiveness. You're holding a grudge! "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. It's a wound that's barely healed. No. After 9yrs u think you know someone then it all comes crashing down around you and it makes you wonder why you were vulnerable, nave and caught up with them. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. Thats a good sign for me. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. 20 days into NC and now he write me an apologetic mail saying he is ready to do anything to try and repair the damage he has done. Why spend that much time and energy its because theres still a grudge.. Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone youre trying to forgive. Realize this. He must have said something to her because she is now very reserved with me. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. Hey, Im working on it. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. You do not have to forgive someone to let something go and move forward with your own life. Getting my head down and Trying To Do The Right Thing wasnt a lot of fun (not that I always did), but looking back over it it was probably the quickest and cleanest way through. 4th ed. So I relented. This happened to me or similar. Ready you should be celebrating! What To Do When Your Family Doesnt Love What Does Arguing With A Narcissist Sound Like. I neglected to include that he waited until I was already deeply involved with him to tell me he was married 4 times. I still am having to work on that. Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? I dont know if hes being serious or if hes trying to seem masculine. Maybe not forever, but for a season. Your response is keeping me strong. Thats very sad when we have to protect ourselves from a parent. Good for you for not going along with that plan, because the outcome would have ultimately been much the same but you would feel worse. Closure? You will not get it. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. Always follow your instincts. The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. I dont expect a reaction he never gets angry or shows any emotion at all in fact. Its like my old AC all over again. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. Could you start up a relationship w someone who you did drugs w for years Finally get clean, and after all that damage and pain, try to be w them again? DGzCarbon Ready. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. It was really tempting to seek him out tonight. You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. P.S. At certain points I have gone NC with her for extended periods of time because she hurts not only me, but EVERYONE I care about with her words. I used to have a male best friend who was very, very similar to this man you describe. We met a few times. Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). When I thought of it like an addiction, it really put it into perspective for me, and that so-called love feeling/connection, was out of the equation. I forgive him and have prayed about it. I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. Im not sure I forgive by socio path father yet. We were friends last year and then ended up in bed on new years eve and I was willing to try the relationship again, but he said he didn;t want to, that I destroyed his soul the last time we were in relationship, becasue I was honest with him about his behaviours. It helps to train the mind and associate pain with the thought so hopefully you have less thoughts in the future. Mothers who REALLY love their children, anyway. "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash said. You have helped me in the past and I wish I could say something wise to support you. hes a carbon copy of many of the people discussed on this site; not so special or unique! It breaks my heart a bit. Grudges aren't uncommon. I said Im sorry!) You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. 156 0 obj <> endobj I just sort of lump them altogether as enemies. I can see it in his eyes. When someone points out your habit, you may be blamed with good reason. At all. It was one of the factors that kept me trying to believe in my exs good intentions so earnestly expressed while he just kept on doing the same old thing and treating me in the same old way. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad. Youre holding a grudge! Forgiveness means different things to different people. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. All I can do is send you and your children a great big hug and I know you are all going to be just fine, xxxx. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. He does not mean you well. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. Youve only got a limited amount of control over those you can choose which waves to ride (thanks, BR meme!) Maybe a working definition of forgiveness would help? May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. The Bible says to bless those who curse us. . We, too, forgive one another even if the other person didnt earn it. and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. We get it all here. Or immature? He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) I would rather keep complete NC and not see him at all, rather than the nice and polite act. I comprehend her disorders, but I also know that she is very intelligent. I will not hold a grudge and I will not press the reset button. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. I hope youre doing great!! I was so wrong. Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship. You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. I hear you, and I know you are right. And I dont think that my post said differently. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. If you can find the strength, run, dont walk. We also get your email address to automatically create an account for you in our website. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. It is constantly holding something over another persons head, not letting them recover from a past failure. and the terms "ill will / feelings" mean: Bad feelings between people because of things that happened in the past. The only reason he wants to contact you is to make HIMSELF feel better. She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. "Now compare that to how much emotional reserve you have towards someone you feel wronged you. If the later, though I completely understand how you would feel, hes free to do as he pleases. I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. JBI Evidence Synthesis. Lol, Grace! Although not of a religious bent I overdid the turn the other cheek and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt thing. If you have a parent, friend, *someone* in your life that feels perpetually disappointed in you and maybe even feels entitled to make their feelings and issues your problem, its okay to say no to this malarkey.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. Im polite he feels validated and off he goes. He made sure that I never got what I wanted and needed. The Lords prayer is helpful in learning how to do that because of the line forgive us our debts AS we forgive our debtorsSee? The message she left was so hurtful. I was appalled by this. Dont you know thats where he was going. It is just getting through the days, not checking phone, email etc. But, are you really compatible? There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. ago. Took a few years mind. I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. Remorse? You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Thats how people meet. She moved in with a new guy within a couple months of our breakup, and it is an effective deterrent to me reconciling anything with her. Thats indifference. It is a lack of forgiveness and acceptance. Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! These feelings fester in a vacuum, squeeze them out by filling your time and attention with other things. When I knew someone was treating me with disrespect and disregard, it helped me to think about myself as being my own daughter. Just stay NC. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. So that I may gain some insight which could help me in the future. Sometimes, you may find that you're holding a grudge even if you're doing so unintentionally. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. Yoghurt- Thank you. If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? It does no logical good M3tal_Shadowhunter 1 yr. ago It's not about helping anyone. You cant squeeze blood out of a stone. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. In the end,although support of safe others can help, there is nothing for it but to go through your pain. health information, we will treat all of that information as protected health Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. All Free. What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. Great that you saw the light and are moving onwards and upwards! I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. Theyre either in or theyre out!When you say no to being in one-sided and lopsided relationships, you say yes to loving yourself and prioritising mutually fulfilling relationships with love, care, trust and respect.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. Do you think its mature behavior? I dont think he sounds like a good catch. Friend Zone at best with this guy. Ive even noticed a pattern of late where I can even have a civil, superficially friendly rapport with a EU/AC romantic prospect but keep them at arms length (where they definitely feel the boundary), and thats probably because I called the shots in ending things.

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